Thursday, July 30, 2015

My new religion

I was in the pain clinic a couple of days ago hearing a patient tell me how his doctor wouldn't order a certain treatment because it was against the doctor's religion.  Already doctors are refusing to provide such services as birth control or referral for abortion citing religious reasons.  Some refuse to treat unwed mothers, some homosexuals.  

Since my parents let me stop going to church and Sunday school when I was 13, religion has not been a part of my life.  I have attended the odd wedding, funeral baptism or midnight mass but I suspect I have spent more time in churches as a tourist than as a participant.

But now that I realize I can actually refuse to do things I don't enjoy doing based on my beliefs, I think I just got religion.


I am not going to observe isolation precautions.

God obviously loves antibiotic resistant bacteria because he makes so many of them.  So who am I to stop them from being fruitful and multiplying.  My righteous brothers and sisters on the wards are already helping this by allowing patients on isolation to go outside to smoke and visit the cafeteria.  Plus I think wearing yellow gowns is specifically proscribed in Deuteronomy or maybe Leviticus.

I am not going to do patients with no coverage (yes we have them in Canada),

I think the passage about render unto Caesar covers this.  I mean, how can I tithe if I don't get paid.  And for what you or  your Canadian relatives paid for you to fly to Canada for pro bono surgery, I am sure there is a little left over for my modest fee.  Plus if you came to Canada to ski or ride in the rodeo and didn't buy adequate travel insurance maybe you don't deserve to have your broken leg fixed.  And I really don't care if the surgeon also didn't get paid, because I expect in about half the cases he actually is getting paid.  Therefore if you want my services you better visit the money changers at the ATM in the hospital lobby to get some money to make the  appropriate offering.  Some people might get a warm fuzzy feeling from providing services for free to people but my righteous life gives me all the warm fuzziness I need.

Working on the Sabbath is out.

I haven't got this Sabbath thing down yet.  Is it Saturday or it is Sunday?   Never mind.  I won't work on either.  Nor on Statutory holidays or should I call them feast days.  Hmmm better think this one out....we get paid more to work on those days.  OK I will work those days, except when I am tired, hungover, something good is on TV, I don't like the surgeon or the slowest nurses are working.

No more emergency sections for breeches.

I'm not talking about the breech vaginal delivery gone wrong; I'm talking about the "stat" section for a persistant breech because they have either started labour or their membranes are ruptured.  Funny how these stat sections never happen during office hours.  If God wants you to come out butt first, you should come out butt first.  Besides if untrained birth attendants in the developing world can do a breech delivery, an Obstetrician with five years training should be able to.  

Because I am a righteous family guy, I get to go home when I want to and take vacation when I want to.

My kids are grown up but still it is the principle.

Obese patients violate my beliefs.

I am sure there must be something in the Bible about this.  We are blessed with a nice premium for patients with BMI over 35 so I will keep on doing those but the 45s and higher where you actually earn the premium are out. 

I am not going to fill out narcotic tracking forms.

Narcotics are one of God's gifts to mankind.  Besides as a righteous man of God, I would never misuse narcotics (and if you really to see what I may have given the patient, you can consult the holy anaesthetic record). 

No more futile surgery.

What can I say.  Who am I to try to interfere with God's will.

If you want me to come to a meeting before work you better provide breakfast and that breakfast better include bacon.

In my religion bacon is a sacrament, and if you expect me to get up half an hour early for a meeting to decide something you could have settled by email or phone call you better feed me.

I intend to live my life outside of work righteously as well.  For example some extreme religions do not allow their adherents to sit next to a woman on a plane.  Okay, it is an abomination for my legs to touch the seat in front of me.  Therefore the airline in the interest of religious freedom must allow me to have a bulkhead, exit or business class seat.  For no extra charge of course.  Also my religion prohibits me from sitting next to young children, people with body odour problems, people drunker than me or obnoxious people.  

I am sure in time I will find more ways in which society can ensure my life goes in as righteous a fashion as possible.  Stay tuned and God bless you all, except those of you who piss me off.

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