Wednesday, April 7, 2010

A Guide To Anaesthesiologists

A while ago I blogged on the various surgical personalities we all encounter. I really love slagging surgeons but lets face it, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Lets meet my department.

Dr. Perfect.

Dr. Perfect's shit doesn't smell and has never smelt. Every thing about his cases are perfect and only because he is doing them.

Dr. Cancel.

Dr. Cancel only likes to do ASA I cases. Anything else he will find some excuse not to do the case or he will make life so difficult for everybody involved including the patient.

Dr. Wallet.

Dr. Wallet can look down the OR slate and tell within $10 how much every person is going to make that day. AND he better be making more than everybody else! Dr. Wallet spends most of his days either complaining to the list assignor that he didn't get the most lucrative list or at the front desk trying to get cases moved into his room. Fortunately you will only have to deal with Dr. Wallet for a few years as he will soon leave your department to work in a private surgical suite.

Dr. Chatty.

Dr. Chatty loves to talk. This will include a long talk with the patient mostly unrelated to the patient's medical history or the surgical procedure before finally putting the patient to sleep. Usually Dr. Chatty has to be paged several times from the lounge where he is holding court.

Dr. Block.

Dr. Block loves regional anaesthesia. His enthusiasm for blocks is only matched by his lack of speed and ineptness in performing them.

Dr. Science.

Fortunately he only works in teaching hospitals. Dr. Science loves research. Unfortunately most of his research involves you doing your cases according his research protocol which means not doing things the way you find comfortable, having your case delayed by his research assistant and having to draw blood at intervals when you could be doing something useful like reading the paper. Dr. Science's papers are always published with himself as the sole author and no acknowledgments. He is always the co-author on all the research done by residents even if he didn't actually do any of the research.

Dr. Rambo

Dr. Rambo never has an easy case. Every of his (her) cases is the sickest patient being subjected to the worst horrendoplasty, brought back from the brink only through Dr. Rambo's skill. Dr. Rambo will give you a lunch break; when you come back your ASA 1 gall bladder has an art line, 7 French CVP and is on norepinephrine.

Dr. Bucket

Dr. Bucket carries a huge ice cream bucket filled with multiple ETT, stylets, bougies, syringes, minibags and who know what else. When you can't find a piece of equipment, you ask the nurses to search Dr. Bucket's bucket. There are variations including fanny packs and tackle boxes.

Dr. Whiny

Just like his surgical cousin, Dr. Whiny is never happy. If his list doesn't end precisely between 1500 and 1530 he will complain about working too long or not enough. Likewise call is either too busy or not busy enough.

Dr. Tightass

Dr. Tightass missed his calling as an internist. He rigorously interrogates each patient before surgery, and looks for lab work that hasn't been invented yet. Dr. Tightass's anaesthetic records are completely filled out on both sides to the point that you can't decipher anything anyway.


ZMD said...

It's funny because it's so true.

burnttoast said...

Dr. TrainedAtBigNameHospital Any conversation must include "When I trained at BIG NAME Hospital..."

Dr. Flirt whose main objective is to charm any attractive members of opposite sex. Usually must be paged to be found.

Dr. StockMarket who would lecture daily on what a major killing his wise investments were making, often in the presence of those making a tenth of his salary. The recession was almost worth it, as it shut this stuff up totally.

Dr. Perfect's sibling, Dr. PerfectFamily. Kids all utterly amazing from their Apgars of 15 to their brilliant grade school careers, a shoo-in for total Ivy scholarships in either academics or athletics. Spouse equally perfect. You wonder how they got stuck with someone like him.

Dr. WatchtheBoard. Obsessed with the flow of the OR schedule. (guilty of this myself) Some people bet the ponies, I like to forecast OR scheduling collisions. I usually try to fix them ahead of time....

Dr ShouldaHadaTrustFund. Doesn't like doing short cases. Doesn't like doing long cases. Doesn't like doing hearts. In America, these guys wind up supervising CRNAs. Not that they necessarily like doing it.

Dr. NotMe When on call, argues that call docs shouldn't be stuck with long difficult cases, because, they are on call. When on off list, argues shouldn't be stuck with long difficult cases, cause he is on off list. When neither, argues he shouldn't be stuck with long difficult cases because it may lengthen the work day. Probably a variant of ShouldaHadaTrustFund.

Dr. Technical Carries a toolbelt. Knows specs of every monitor/machine ever built. Can fix anything. Unless it is biological ie human patient.

When do we get to do type surgeons??? (Evil of me I know)